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My Musings

By Popular demand of the Sand Hill Summer Camp staff, we present:

"The Dark Sucker Theory"

For years, it has been believed that electric bulbs emit light, but recent information has proved otherwise. Electric bulbs don't emit light; they suck dark. Thus, we call these bulbs Dark Suckers. The Dark Sucker Theory and the existence of Dark Suckers prove that dark has mass and is heavier than light.

First, the basis of the Dark Sucker Theory is that electric bulbs suck dark. For example, take the Dark Sucker in the room you are currently in. There is much less dark right next to it than there is elsewhere. The larger the Dark Sucker, the greater its' capacity to suck dark. Dark Suckers in the parking lot have a much greater capacity to suck dark than the ones in our room.

As with all things, Dark Suckers don't last forever. Once they are full of dark, they can no longer suck. This is proven by the dark spot on a full Dark Sucker.

A candle is a primitive Dark Sucker. A new candle has a white wick. You can see that after the first use, the wick turns black, representing all the dark that has been sucked into it. If you put a pencil next to the wick of an operating candle, it will turn black. This is because it got in the way of the dark flowing into the candle. One of the disadvantages of these primitive Dark Suckers is their limited range.

There are also portable Dark Suckers. In these, the bulbs can't handle all the dark by themselves and must be aided by a Dark Storage Unit. When the Dark Storage Unit is full, it must be either emptied or replaced before the portable Dark Sucker can operate again.

Dark has mass. When dark goes into a Dark Sucker, friction from the mass generates heat. Thus, it is not wise to touch an operating Dark Sucker. Candles present a special problem as the mass must travel into a solid wick instead of through clear glass. This generates a great amount of heat, and therefore it's not wise to touch an operating candle.

Also, dark is heavier than light. If you were to swim just below the surface of a lake, you would see a lot of light. If you were to slowly swim deeper and deeper, you would notice it getting darker and darker. When you get really deep, you would be in total darkness. This is because the heavier dark sinks to the bottom of the lake and the lighter light floats at the top. This is why it is called light.

Finally, we must prove that dark is faster than light. If you were to stand in a lit room in front of a closed, dark closet, and slowly open the closet door, you would see the light slowly enter the closet. But since dark is so fast, you would not be able to see the dark leave the closet.

Next time you see an electric bulb, remember that it is a dark sucker!

"A Report on Geekonics"

Saying it will improve the education of children who have grown up immersed in computer lingo, the school board in San Jose, California, has officially designated computer English, or "Geekonics", as a second language. The historic vote on Geekonics -- a combination of the word "geek" and the word "phonics" -- came just weeks after the Oakland school board recognized black English, or Ebonics, as a distinct language.

"This entirely reconfigures our parameters," Milton "Floppy" Macintosh, chairman of Geekonics Unlimited, said after the school board became the first in the nation to recognize Geekonics. "No longer are we preformatted for failure," Macintosh said during a celebration that saw many Geekonics backers come dangerously close to smiling. "Today, we are rebooting, implementing a program to process the data we need to interface with all units of humanity."

Controversial and widely misunderstood, the Geekonics movement was spawned in California's Silicon Valley, where many children have grown up in households headed by computer technicians, programmers, engineers and scientists who have lost ability to speak plain English and have inadvertently passed on their high-tech vernacular to their children.

Helping the Transition

While schools will not teach the language, increased teacher awareness of Geekonics, proponents say, will help children make the transition to standard English. Those students, in turn, could possibly help their parents learn to speak in a manner that would lead listeners to believe that they have actual blood coursing through their veins. "Bit by bit, byte by byte, with the proper system development, with nonpreemptive multitasking, I see no reason why we can't download the data we need to modulate our oral output," Macintosh said.

The Public's Reaction

The designation of Ebonics and Geekonics as languages reflects a growing awareness of our nation's lingual diversity, experts say. Other groups pushing for their own languages and/or vernaculars to be declared official viewed the Geekonics vote as a step in the right direction.

"This is just, like, OK, you know, the most totally kewl thing, like, ever," said Jennifer Notat-Albright, chairwoman of the Committee for the Advancement of Valleyonics, headquartered in Southern California. "I mean, like, you know?" she added.

They're happy in Dixie, "Yeee-hah," said Buford "Kudzu" Davis, president of the Dixionics Coalition. "Y'all gotta know I'm as happy as a tick on a sleeping bloodhound about this. We could be fartin' thru silk perty soon." Spokesmen for several subchapters of Dixionics -- including Alabonics, Tennesonics and Louisionics -- also said they approved of the decision.

Bill Flack, public information officer for the Blue Ribbon Task Force on Bureaucratonics said that his organization would not comment on the San Jose vote until it convened a summit meeting, studied the impact, assessed the feasibility, finalized a report and drafted a comprehensive action plan, which, once it clears the appropriate subcommittees and is voted on, will be made public to those who submit the proper information-request forms.

Proponents of Mimeonics were said to be speechless at this new development when asked for comments. However, heavy gesticulation by the director of the Society of Mimicry (Pam Tomime) indicated either strong support for the measure or an attempt to break out of an invisible room.

Those involved in the lingual diversity movement believe that only by enacting many different English languages, in addition to all the foreign ones practiced here, can we all end up happily speaking the same boring one, becoming a nation that is both unified in its diversity, and diversified in its unity. Others say that makes no sense at all, in any language.

An Example of Ebonics

Disclaimer: The following is meant merely in a humorous fashion, and is not to be taken as derogatory to any race, culture, or ethnicity. The webmaster claims all responsibility because he posted it here, so there!

A friend of mine has an 18 year old son named Leroy. He attends Oakland High School where they teach Ebonics as a Second Language. Last week he was given an easy homework assignment. All he had to do was use each of the following words in a sentence. This is what Leroy did:

1. Rectum...I had two Cadillacs, but my ol'lady rectum both.

2. Hotel...I gave my girlfriend da crabs and the hotel everybody.

3. Odyssey...I told my bro, you odyssey the jugs on this hoe.

4. Stain...My mother-in-law axed if I was stain for dinner again.

5. Seldom...My cousin gave me two tickets to the Knicks game, so I seldom.

6. Penis...I went to da doctor and he handed me a cup and said penis.

7. Catacomb...Don King was at the fight the other night, man, somebody give that catacomb.

8. Forclose...If I pay alimony this month, I'll have no money forclose.

9. Undermine...There is a fine lookin' hoe livin' in the apartment undermine.

10. Tripoli...I was gonna buy my old lady a bra but I couldn't fine no Tripoli.

12. Disappointment...My parole officer tol me if I miss disappointment they gonna send me back to the big house.

13. Income...I just got in bed wit dee hoe and income my wife.

14. Honor...At the rape trial, the judge axed my buddy, who be honor first?

15. Fortify...I axed da hoe how much? And she say fortify.

16. Israel...Alonso tried to sell me a Rolex, I said man, that looks fake. He said, no Israel.

Needless to say, Leroy got an A.
God bless America.